Firstly, a public announcement: After this blogpost, I will not post anymore on this blog. I'm not going to delete it, but I'm just not going to post anymore. Reason being, I don't want anyone to get hurt and worried over me anymore, it's not worth it. Everyone else should stay happy, I shouldn't pound my miseries on them. So sorry to anyone who got worried for me after seeing my blogposts.

But ppl can still tag if they want. I'll still come back to my blog almost everyday and reply to any tags asap, k? And thanks for being loyal readers of my blog. Really appreciate it.

Well, here it goes...

To be honest, deep down in me, I know I'm so dumb, and so unthoughtful that I still do not know why you hate me so much, and what sinful thing(s) have I done that angered and annoyed you so much that you won't want to talk to me ever again. But don't get angry yet, coz I won't ask for the answer. I know you don't want me to ask you regarding this, so I really won't ask about it anymore. I figured, if you really wanted to let me know about something, you'd tell me.

Things are still affecting me alot, that I really cannot deny. And I don't see it stopping anytime soon, or even at all. But that's ok. I know I always say sorry and then continue with "but...", I have this very bad habit of doing so. I try to cheer up as much as I can, especially when I'm among people because I don't want them to come asking me "you ok?" and I have to fake a smile and say "yea". That's why especially near you, I try to keep myself as happy as I can so that you wouldn't worry about me anymore. I know I sound very different talking to you on sms/msn as compared to what I type here, which is why you said that. True enough, I do sound different. There's only one reason for this.

All I'm trying to say is, I've pushed my boundaries too far. I haven't been paying attention to things I've said. I just keep on spamming things to say everytime I get a chance to hear from you. I always think I'm right at everything, which leads me to argue with lots of 'buts' and thus making all my sorries sound useless. I also have not cared enough bout your feelings, always talking about myself or my situation 1st before I move on to talk about yours when what you really needed was just for me to show I care alot about you. I've not done that well, probably not done that at all. Over here, I really want to look at you right in the eyes and tell you a huge sorry, for everything I have not done to show that I care and am sincere. These 2 weeks, I've been upset not because it has ended, rather it's coz we couldn't even be friends anymore, we couldn't talk to one another like how you wanted it before all these, and we couldn't talk about martians and aliens coming to kill me and throwing balls at me.

It may take more than just a few days. It may take weeks, it may take months, or even years. But nevertheless, if not talking to me makes you forget about everything that has happened, then I respect that. All I hope for is you can stay happy always from now on, and never have to shed a single tear anymore. I may not be of any religion, but I'll pray for that to happen. It's a promise to myself.

Adding to that, I have been thinking of this (whether to ask you about talking things out) these few days so much so that I've neglected you, and how you've been doing, both in school and at home. I'm utterly apologetic for not being there. It's very difficult to satisfy parents about the computer usage. When we tell them we are doing work on our computers (albeit at the same time talking to a few people on MSN), they treat it as if we're 100% on MSN only, not having one bit of urgency for our work. Everytime we don't do well, they point the blame straight at the usage of SMSes and MSN. It sucks to tell them that it's not and they don't seem to ever believe in that answer, or any answer at all, but what I think is, as long as deep down you know you're trying your best to keep a healthy balance of work and play, then that's all that is needed.

Parents have their reasons for freaking out over results, but so do we have our reasons for slips in tests. And some reasons, we just don't want them to know, because we don't want them to worry, right? I firmly believe, all your staying ups till 11+, sometimes past midnight, were not for the reasons your parents may think it is. You'll tide through all your subjects. Hard work ultimately pays off. :)

Unlike you, I've kept too many things from my parents. I give my parents a false sense of everything's-ok by only showing them only results that I do well for it. When they ask me whether I'm doing well, I always reply "ok ba" even when I'm failing tests despite all that I've tried. It's just...everytime I'm doing a test, my mind just goes blank suddenly and I forget everything. I try to recall every bit but I always recall either the wrong things or other things unrelated to the topic/subject. I dislike it even more when they keep telling me about how others can do this do that and we couldn't! It gets on my nerves! We're not them. They probably have IQ twice or more than that of us, so don't compare them to us coz we're not that smart people.

Still, no doubt they will blame us, we understand why they're doing so. They're parents afterall, at least it shows they're responsible parents. But as for us, we just have to learn to take what they say with a pinch of salt. We love them, so as much as parents may say that we should work hard for ourselves, a part of us want to make them happy with our results too. I'm sure with time, your parents will understand that what is most important is that you've been constantly trying. Give yourself more confidence, k? :) Stay strong, you can pull it through. :)

There isn't anything much I can do about this, nor anything you might want me to do with it. So all I've been doing these days, is to just keep myself online for as long as I can, just in case someday, maybe one day you might ask me for help regarding your work. I'm always open to helping friends. Even if you can't get your full support from your parents, hey, there are still friends to make up for any little percentages of support that your parents might have left out. :) Who knows, it could leave up to more than 100% in the end, so don't worry, k? Friends will always be there no matter what happens. ;)

Everytime, I'm scared of what I'm going to say. Over here, MSN or SMS. Because I afraid what I say will sound incomplete...

Rmb the glass bottle of stars? Maybe you don't have it with you anymore, but in case you still wanted to know the answer, it's love you like I always do.

I know I can't show how sincere I really am through a computer, and you wouldn't believe a thing I'll say anymore, but my last hope, is that you could accept this one last apology from me, please.

I'm sorry.

18:58

14:20

I'm insignificant, rmb?

22:49

I don't know what got into me today, but today evening, after the girls Touch Rugby finals at JJC, I was looking at which bus to take to go home. No bus reached Woodlands. So I looked for buses that went to MRTs, which led me to see a particular station. Without any doubt, I immediately decided to take that bus, and on the way, it made me think about alighting 2 stops before that MRT station, to a bus stop which gave me a lot of memories. The 1st $2.20 drinks that I very willingly bought, the smses that came after alighting from that stop about how happy it was, the bus that I used to take, the gaze after leaving the bus just to see more...

I alighted at that stop and just walked the entire path to the MRT station, using that time to just recollect...and recollect...

20:53

There you see it, exactly 1 month, and another milestone in my discovery of myself.

Me trying to help, trying to be concerned always = failing/angering/pissing ppl off, etc.

Thing is, I want everything between us to work, and in the end, even just being friends, I failed in all of them.

Done deal, I totally suck.

22:11

Then again, when I look at my wallet, rich or well-off, I'm not.

When I look at my results, smart I'm not.

When I look at myself in the mirror...maybe I really don't deserve anything at all.

I just hope that no one else in d world would be treated like dat, even when termed 'friends'.

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all.

19:20

22:44

Every night, I curl up in bed, muffing any cries I may have. Every morning, on the bus to school, I have one hand holding onto my phone, the other clinging tightly onto that frog, even if there are sharp edges, hoping that a miracle, and really a huge miracle, could happen. Yes I'm weak, coz I really don't know what else I can do already.

Till now, it hasn't.

Again, it's a lone battle, and I am still the annoying, uninteresting pest.

14:58

Before I start, I do this on account of no one but myself. THIS HAS NO ONE INVOLVED except me.

19:43

Imagine d sudden silence without knowing what hit you. Ouch. That sux.

self-encouragement for bio lecture test tmr, i guess.

I...can...do...it.

I think.

17:25

give it 1 more week.

hang in there.

23:46

My new blogsong. Every word speaks for itself. Every word.

I shouldn't have, walked away

I would've stayed, if you said

We could've made, everything ok, but we just

Threw the blame, back and forth

We treated love, like a sport

The final blow, hit so low

I'm still, on the ground

I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall

Shattered in pieces curled on the floor

Supernatural love conquers all

Remember we, used to touch, the, sky

Lightning don't strike, the same place twice

When you and I, said goodbye

I felt the angels cry

True love's a gift

We let it drift, in a storm, every night

I felt the angels cry

C'mon babe can't our love be revived?

Bring it back and we gon' make it right

I'm on the edge just trying to survive

As the angels cry

[Ne-Yo]

I thought we'd be forever and always

You were serenity you took away the bad days

Didn't always treat you right, but it was ok

I do something stupid, and you still stay with me

But you can only go for so long

Doing the one you claim to love wrong

Before too much is enough, you look up

Find your love gone, and

We were, so good together

How come, we could not weather

This storm, and just do better

Why, did we say goodbye

19:35

11:48

One day after lecture, he saw her wiv another guy frm her class. Dat guy had his hand over her shoulder and she didn't seem 2 mind one bit. I was there to see it when it happened. It happened once before too with the same guy, but i wasn't there at that time.

My 1st reaction to my friend was, so u're juz gonna nt go fr her b'coz u've seen that? He then reacted quite aggressively, saying "but seeing like that, which guy would be able to take it?"

"Yea, i know wad u mean" was all I could tell him.

He's right. No guy in d right mind would tolerate such things over and over again, esp coz he wasn't in the know. No one, guys or gals, would want d other party 2 do something without knowing wad juz happened. Coz when he does find out, d hurt is indescribable. Overwhelming, unbearable.

I feel fr u, dude. Just hope this doesn't hold you back. I've told u things too, but there r some things u can learn from me, most u can't. Good luck.

11:36

21:47

That don't bother me

I can take a few, tears now and then and just, let 'em out

I'm not afraid to cry, every once, in a while, even though

Going on, with you gone, still upsets me

There are days, every now, and again, I pretend, I'm okay

But that's, not what gets me

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And havin' so much to say

And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'

What could've been

And not seein' that loving you, is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal, with the pain of losing you, everywhere I go

But I'm doing it

It's hard to force that smile, when I see our old, friends and I'm alone

Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with, this regret,

But I know, if I could do it over

I would trade, give away, all the words, that I saved, in my heart

That I left unspoken

19:41

I am still waiting, no matter wad.

20:45

22:58

21:54

00:01

Actually, maybe I do. My mind's still floating somewhere in the air...

22:03

Live a life without regrets. Clean, and never having to cover up at all. Coz covering up, may just come back to bite you in the end.

17:06

16:13

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you

Over again, don't make me change my mind

Because a girl like you's impossible to find

You're impossible to find.

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

You always thought, that I was stronger

~Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade

23:35