That rotten feeling

If you did manage to find your way here for answers, then hopefully I can explain what actually happened today, and abit of last night.

Last night, you said you were feeling like dying. You said you don't know and then you asked me to make you happy. I immediately went through all my apps see if got interesting articles or gossipy news or something first, even facebook, but I got nothing. Then I started sieving through all that has happened throughout my past few days and then that's where I started to find as much interesting stuff as I can that happened for the past week. But then no matter how much I try yesterday, all I heard, all I got for replies, were just...Ok. And then you just disappeared without saying goodnight, or maybe that you went to read your book. I don't know, so I just guessed that. But more importantly, I don't know whether u realise it or not, but I really was trying my very best to make you happy. :(

So during that one plus hour that you were afk-ing, I waited for 30 mins thinking maybe for a while only, doing nothing else but staring at my phone non-stop. Then I decided no, I can't do this already, shall go bathe first. While I was bathing,
This
is the first ever time I really doubted myself whether I am the one for you. I kept talking to myself, asking myself "really? will you really ever make her happy when she's down? like ever?" and then my heart just ached damn badly at that moment, and I had to just drown out my tears with the splatter of the running water.

But by the end of my bath, (I guess it did help that I let it all out of me), I just gave myself a chance, and thought that maybe it is coz of the dayima thing that is making you feel like dying. So I decided I shall wake up every 1 or 2 hours to see if you might emergency need anything. Turned out I barely slept the entire night! I couldn't bear to, knowing my girlfriend is feeling like dying and there's nothing I can do to help her, can't even make her happy. what kind of a lousy shitass bf am I sia. All I know was that I fell asleep clutching my phone damn tight throughout the night, and every half hour or so I'll just suddenly wake up and check my phone. This happened throughout the whole night. I wanted to sms you a few more times one, but I scared that will irritate you even more. So in the end I just sent you one message at around 4am. Then the next time around 5am when I whatsapp you bout the weather. Again, I don't know whether you would have realised this or not, but I really did stay up the entire night worrying about you. And then the next time I know, you were awake already.
This
was when I was hoping you'd realise about me trying to make you happy last night, and asking about you in the middle of the night despite having lessons the next morning. Even though it was only one lesson, I can definitely tell you, even if it happened on packed day for me, I would surely still do the same thing one. Nothing is more important to me than you. Which is why I was thinking if you really do feel the same about me, you'd go back to what I've been typing at least since last night and whatever I have typed up till this morning, and realised I really did try and give my all to try and care for you. Again, I don't know if you did actually realise it already. Maybe you did, but I definitely didn't feel the love back, like you weren't the least bit grateful for me trying. I don't know...but this was mainly why I was abit upset in the early morning part of the day.

Then came after my one lesson of the day. You on your way back from finishing at the patients house, me in the midst of the lab safety shit. Once I end my lab safety shit, you suddenly tell me you just promised your intern mate you were gonna accompany him, he eat then you watch. I immediately just lost my appetite for the whole day. (I thought maybe is I didn't tell you I end at 11 before you promised him already so I went thru my msgs to check, but no leh I got tell you the day before what time I ended.) I lost my appetite not because you were gng to eat with him leh, I lost it because I was thinking, you just promised him? then what happened to ours to meet? it just got pushed aside? I already had very little time in between liao then still want another hour more just to look at him eat? I just got so very confused. Adding to that the lack of sleep, I just totally don't have the energy to bring myself to eat already.

I'm gonna think this stems from the fact that now that it is confirmed you are gng exchange for almost 3 months, I wanted to spend as much time as I can with you before you do go. Yes I have a busy schedule, but I am someone who would definitely put people I cherish over studying one. Without a doubt. That's the amount of commitment I am willing to put into this. I think you do give as much a commitment as I do, but (do tell me if I am right here or not) you just don't know how to express it. If you tell me, maybe we could work something out. But if everytime I am just going to get an "Ok" or a "Nvm", there will surely come a time when I feel like I am not making my girl very happy, and whether I am really the person for her. If that really is the case, I'd rather let her leave and she find someone who will truly make her happy whenever she needs, who can always be there for her when she needs someone. I'm not afraid to say this now, but I'm giving myself a deadline for this. As much as I hate to do so, if things really don't work out by then, if someday I feel that everything I do for you is not what you want of me, I'm really sorry but I will do it. Don't wanna go on hurting you even more by holding you back. That'll just hurt myself even more too.


Can't keep on loving you from a distance...